Paralysing Fears

You've heard me write about comfort zones before right?

I adore the subject. I have grown so much in recent years, becoming braver and watching my comfort zone expand, and it amazes me to look back and see how far I've come.

This is where fear is thrilling, this is where I thrive on fear. But sometimes it can be crippling, sometimes the thought of having to do something is so overwhelming that we freeze, unable to take another step further. This was literally the case when I did my bungee jump; the video shows me white faced and frozen until the lovely man tipped me over. But sometimes I feel this way in life, even when it seems that I'm functioning fine.

There is a job that I desperately want. This company is so perfect for me, their values align with mine, they are exciting, dynamic, and I've dreamed of it for such a long time. Yet when faced with the prospect of applying I feel sick and panicky. To apply would to risk being rejected, an experience that none of us enjoy. It would be to admit that I'm not good enough, and that's terrifying. I don't feel exhilarated, I feel paralysed.

I am scared of my future. I am scared of graduating and not finding a job, or finding a job and feeling unfulfilled by it. I know that I have to work hard for it, but the fear is currently blocking me. It's stopping me from looking for internships, from applying to things that will be good for me, from taking steps towards a future. I can't think about the big picture right now.

I haven't written like this before, normally I reflect on the success after the fact. But rejection is still moving forward, and one no doesn't mean my future is doomed. I came so close to not applying to this university because I never thought I would get in; how wrong I was.

When you're scared about something, remember a time when you succeeded against the odds. Hold it in your thoughts and use it as proof of your ability, use it as a sword to fight back against those creeping fears.

You won't know what you are capable of until you try.

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