If you're going through a break up right now then I'm sorry, it's never easy no matter how amicable and friendly you are when you decide to separate. I was in this situation recently and now that I've stopped crying to Greenday's 'Good Riddance', I've emerged from my pit of despair and realised I have a few words of advice to help you through the difficult times.
Be More Reasonable Than You Want To Be
Whilst it's okay to be angry and upset, thinking any number of terrible thoughts about the person, saying nasty things usually just ends up hurting you both more. When you treat the other one fairly, perhaps more fairly than you think they deserve, you create a situation of respect and kindness that is far more helpful in the process of healing. My friends and I call it 'doing a Grace Kelly', after Blair's embodiment of the lovely princess, and from time to time I have remind myself that it's more classy and will make everyone feel better in the long run.
Write Down How You Feel
Of course it's hard to be fair to someone when you are hurt, and writing down your feelings is a healthy way of expressing those negative emotions eating you up. I like to type it out and keep it somewhere I can later reread, because more often than not my feelings change. It's a great way of seeing how far I've come, something that is incredibly powerful to realise.
Take Each Day At A Time
The emotional ride of breaking up is exhausting. It only takes one little thing for me to swing from happy to a blubbering mess. You won't always feel the same as you do now, so take each day, or even each hour, as it comes at you. Cry when you need to cry, embrace any feelings of anger or frustration that you feel, but remember tomorrow things might seem brighter.
Cry
It's okay to cry. Break ups are akin to losing someone and thus grief is a completely natural part. If you feel like you need to cry in a sane way, choose a sad movie. It can be an incredibly cathartic activity that allows you to express those pent up emotions. Personally I love 'Pay It Forward' for a good weep, in fact I still can't tell people the story without getting a little choked up.
Be Kind To Yourself
When our friends are in the same situation we often rush to their side with chocolate and kind words, and there's no reason you can't do that for yourself. Buy yourself a bunch of flowers just because, or tell yourself something you feel proud about. Taking the time and effort to say 'I love myself' can be a surprisingly helpful step on the road to recovery.
Break ups are incredibly hard, but every time we fight through one we emerge stronger and wiser. Stay true to yourself, and remember that it's probably for the best and you are brilliant, even if the relationship isn't anymore.
I'm going through a break up now as we speak and I'm a mess. I've lost a best friend for the time being as I morn over our breakup. This blog post has really helped, so thank you. I admire your posts and this post I now look up to as it's helped, so thank you again. I've been out of blogging for about 2 months but I want to get back to it again but I have no idea on where to start. What post to write. And how to announce I'm no longer with my boyfriend. Do you have any advice?? Tabitha xx
ReplyDeleteAmour-Tabitha.blogspot.co.uk x
Oh Tabitha, I'm so sorry to hear that! Breaks ups are really hard, and I'm still finding things difficult but I'm so glad that I could help you in some small way. Blogging post break up is really difficult, especially when that person has featured in it some how. I had planned a launch that ended up being right after we separated, but I found that the best way to keep going with it was just writing whatever I felt like. Many of those posts will never see the light of day but some, like this one, felt like a natural one to put on the blog. Writing can be incredibly cathartic, but don't push yourself. Take the time and space you need to do what's best for you, and if that includes writing then great but if it doesn't that's okay too, your readers will still be there for you when you come back to it. I guess this post was kind of my announcement, but you don't have to make a big deal about it - maybe in your next post you could include a line about how things have been difficult, acknowledging the break up that way. I hope this helps and if you need any more advice I'm always happy to help xxx
DeleteIts okay, I'll get there, Im just struggling because without him, I really don't have many to turn to. Literally, your post has not come at a better time. It really has helped me! I think what I'm finding most difficult is that Im having to cut him off for a while, its hard to explain fully but like I said I really don't have many to turn to and its awful so thats why I want to start blogging again, in the hope to find some new friends. I like the idea of just writing a sentence in a new post, to kind of give the message but not go in to too much detail. I'm sorry to hear about you and your break up to, and this post was lovely, its definitely helped me and Im sure it will help others too :) I would love to get to know you a more, as I'd love to build up my blogger community, Im just scared to branch out and connect I guess, thank you once again xxx
DeleteI really needed to read this, especially right now. I'm so sorry you're going through a breakup. I think being a part of one or even watching one happen with people you love is tough no matter how it ends. As cliche as it sounds, I think it's always best to think of it as an end to a chapter and a beginning to a new one. These are amazing tips. I'm definitely one to go straight to my writing when anything seems too difficult for me to handle. It's a great way to clear your head and not only make sense of the situation, but also how you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteI also like how you mentioned that it's okay to cry. There's some unwritten rule that society sends across and is definitely inflated through the media, that there should be some sort of a time limit to feeling terrible and moving on. It sends across the wrong type of message and results in people wanting to control their emotions all the time to appear sane. But I think sanity is quite subjective and perhaps even overrated. I think you should be able to drown in your own misery, cry, eat ice-cream, and let it all out because that is the only way to really let anything go. Holding everything in really just causes further frustration and clinging to the past. There's nothing wrong with crying and there's no time limit to how long you can feel this way. Letting it out while you are feeling it will allow you to move on, healthily. You gave some amazing advice and you have a great support system here as well. Even though you have already passed the pit of your despair, you can always hit me up if you need someone to talk to :)
Misha, thank you so much for your beautiful comment! You're right when you say that it's tough, but the response I have received on here has filled me with a new positivity that I want to hold on to. Although I'm so sorry for everyone's own break ups, I'm glad when I can help in anyway. I'm so glad you agree about crying! At the beginning of this break up I was trying so hard to hold it together and I think people thought that meant I was okay, when inside I was desperate for people to see my vulnerability. Luckily I had some great friends who saw through the facade, but I am a firm believer in letting emotions go in a healthy way when needed. I really appreciate what you have said, and your support in me throughout my blogging, and I'm always around if you ever need someone too :) xxx
DeleteBreakups are one of the hardest things ever, I am going through one now and this post is really helpful, thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.officialtashika.com xx
I'm so sorry that you're going through a break up Tashika, they really are difficult. Good luck, and thank you for your lovely comment xxx
DeleteSo happy I stumbled across this post, it's so difficult to see how it can possibly all get better but I know that in time it will and that's a comforting thought. It's nice knowing we all go through these things together x
ReplyDeletewww.sophieblxck.com