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Friday, 26 February 2016

I Hope You Understand


There are many things I hope you understand about me.

I hope you understand my obsessive need to be liked, and to feel important. It drives so much of what I do, but the desire is insatiable, it can't be fulfilled. You will never make me feel good about myself in the way I want to feel. You will never provide the contentment I think you will.

I hope you understand my need to move on. Relationships are everything to me, and unfulfilling relationships are crippling. Sometimes that means cutting ties, and progressing into a new stage of growth. You will always be a part of my past, a fundamental part of what has shaped me; hands on clay, moulding and manipulating, subtly shifting. But no longer, now it is time to take another step along the road of my life and that step does not include you.

I hope you understand that I find it hard to feel like I am enough. My writing will never be up to my standard, my knowledge never at an acceptable level, my beauty never comparable to others. Some call it perfectionism, I call it exhausting.

But I hope you understand that I am on a quest towards self improvement. I desperately want to like myself, but sometimes it is harder. This new woman I see the mirror, the one with hair that barely touches her shoulders, I don't recognise her. Liking this change in my physical identity is taking time, but it will come. The compliments help, but I shouldn't rely on them.

And finally I hope you understand that I have a power inside me, that shocks me everyday. Every time I think I have fallen and won't get back up, I do. Every time I feel that I can't get on a plane and leave someone, I do. Every time time I question my ability, I somehow prove myself wrong. I want this power to grow, I want to harness it and I want to follow it all over the world.

Who are you?

I don't know, but this felt important.


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